Just random thoughts today.
Thought about some movies I'd like to see.
Thought about how weird it is to generalize yourself into those catagories that they put out there in those site like my space.
Thought about how my space became everybodys space.
Thought about how I could lose weight fast.
Shoulder pain in my left shoulder that has been going on for weeks.
Dry sinuses that annoy me in the morning.
How I'd like to get drunk very, very soon.
How much of a drone I've become.
How I should really try to seek my own individuality instead of trying to find parts of myself in everyone else.
How I really feel sorry for some people.
The way I want to look.
How my mom says crazy people cut their own hair.
If people think me and Neil are a mismatched couple.
If they think I don't deserve him.
If I'd make a good parent.
How I would raise my kids.
What movies I'd like to rent soon.
What is going on with the craebies.
If they consider me their real friend or just Neils girlfriend.
If we'd even be friends if me and Neil break up.
If Neil will get into UCLA or USC.
Where I will be this time next year.
If my fish were okay.
How I did on the final.
If I will do okay on Thursday's final.
Why Danny next door is so soft spoken.
Invisible Children.
Extracurriculars.
Where I am in my life.
Swirling and swirling.
Good night.

I am having a serious bout of learners block. If that's possible.
And I think I'm having a hot flash.

As I was reading through numerous blogs and xangas, nosing into other people's lives as I so often like to do, I got to thinking about how much I have changed and on top of that, how much I haven't.

I feel like my life has been a parabola, a normal curve of change. Like I needed to change more and hit that pinnacle in high school and now its all down hill. Sometimes when I think about my past I feel that during my junior high and early high school years I was such a fake. Had a lot of regrettable moments during that time in my life, but what person hasn't. I think I was just seriously struggling with a lot of identity issues that stemmed from a lot of family issues. In fact, I know that I am still struggling with those issues now.

Its not to say that I was dishonest with those I befriended in these times. I have always had a loyalty to my friends. Despite the fact that I may have loyalties to different groups, it's just the type of person I am. I like being around different people so I don't feel so static. If that makes any sense.

But looking back, I am grateful for my high school experiences and even for junior high and the later elementary years. I regret doing a lot of things, but also respect the decisions of my earlier self. If I hadn't thought that or acted in that way, would I be here now?

I guess there is no logical train of thought to follow. But, it doesn't really matter because I'm really the only one on this train anway.

We fight over something so stupid.

You make a comment about that stupid dress that I wore to homecoming. JPs date had the same one.
So, I hit you. Apparently really hard.
You get mad. You push me away when I try to apologize. I get mad because you put your arm on my neck. You shove me away in front of everybody.
In the next second, you ask me what I want to eat? Try to be nice. I feel like you are such a a fake.
You try to apologize. I take it in but I need my time.
And again it becomes one of those things where you ask me "Why do you have to get so mad?"
I feel so stupid. Like I don't have the right to get mad.
You have never understood my anger. You always have to question it. And I feel stupid. Because I don't have the answers.
I say I'm leaving because I'm tired of everyone in the place staring at us.

You throw away your food in the trash.

I feel bad.

We argue in the car. We make up after tears. But, I still don't know what is going to happen.