Just random thoughts today.
Thought about some movies I'd like to see.
Thought about how weird it is to generalize yourself into those catagories that they put out there in those site like my space.
Thought about how my space became everybodys space.
Thought about how I could lose weight fast.
Shoulder pain in my left shoulder that has been going on for weeks.
Dry sinuses that annoy me in the morning.
How I'd like to get drunk very, very soon.
How much of a drone I've become.
How I should really try to seek my own individuality instead of trying to find parts of myself in everyone else.
How I really feel sorry for some people.
The way I want to look.
How my mom says crazy people cut their own hair.
If people think me and Neil are a mismatched couple.
If they think I don't deserve him.
If I'd make a good parent.
How I would raise my kids.
What movies I'd like to rent soon.
What is going on with the craebies.
If they consider me their real friend or just Neils girlfriend.
If we'd even be friends if me and Neil break up.
If Neil will get into UCLA or USC.
Where I will be this time next year.
If my fish were okay.
How I did on the final.
If I will do okay on Thursday's final.
Why Danny next door is so soft spoken.
Invisible Children.
Extracurriculars.
Where I am in my life.
Swirling and swirling.
Good night.

I am having a serious bout of learners block. If that's possible.
And I think I'm having a hot flash.

As I was reading through numerous blogs and xangas, nosing into other people's lives as I so often like to do, I got to thinking about how much I have changed and on top of that, how much I haven't.

I feel like my life has been a parabola, a normal curve of change. Like I needed to change more and hit that pinnacle in high school and now its all down hill. Sometimes when I think about my past I feel that during my junior high and early high school years I was such a fake. Had a lot of regrettable moments during that time in my life, but what person hasn't. I think I was just seriously struggling with a lot of identity issues that stemmed from a lot of family issues. In fact, I know that I am still struggling with those issues now.

Its not to say that I was dishonest with those I befriended in these times. I have always had a loyalty to my friends. Despite the fact that I may have loyalties to different groups, it's just the type of person I am. I like being around different people so I don't feel so static. If that makes any sense.

But looking back, I am grateful for my high school experiences and even for junior high and the later elementary years. I regret doing a lot of things, but also respect the decisions of my earlier self. If I hadn't thought that or acted in that way, would I be here now?

I guess there is no logical train of thought to follow. But, it doesn't really matter because I'm really the only one on this train anway.

We fight over something so stupid.

You make a comment about that stupid dress that I wore to homecoming. JPs date had the same one.
So, I hit you. Apparently really hard.
You get mad. You push me away when I try to apologize. I get mad because you put your arm on my neck. You shove me away in front of everybody.
In the next second, you ask me what I want to eat? Try to be nice. I feel like you are such a a fake.
You try to apologize. I take it in but I need my time.
And again it becomes one of those things where you ask me "Why do you have to get so mad?"
I feel so stupid. Like I don't have the right to get mad.
You have never understood my anger. You always have to question it. And I feel stupid. Because I don't have the answers.
I say I'm leaving because I'm tired of everyone in the place staring at us.

You throw away your food in the trash.

I feel bad.

We argue in the car. We make up after tears. But, I still don't know what is going to happen.

Art

In light of all the recent events, I've really REALLY wanted to start drawing again.
It's hard for me to get time to focus on art though. And it's also really hard for me to produce any art without first being inspired to do it.

I guess all this anger is fermenting inside of me and just needs to go somewhere.

I really want to try to start doing water colors, but its so messy.
Well, I guess first I'd need a new journal. I mean, I kind of want to start scrapbooking/journaling/drawing. But I need a new sketch book/journal thing. Sigh. So much money to spend on crap.


In other news, I kind of made up with Neil today. I mean, we talked about more normal stuff than usual. Also, I went a little off board and drew all over my left arm. That means I HAVE to take a shower tonight. AHH. LAZY.


I think Maryam stole me issue of Flaunt. Damn.

Now I'm lost

I spent the better part of the evening surfing the Internet. Trying to find all these pieces that are missing... parts of me: creative, musical, thoughtful, literary, materialistic, shallow, lost.

VW Beetle.
Frances the Mute (1 March 2005).
Tony Jaa.
The Machinist.
No Me Ames.


Damn you Google.

Ouch.

I’m supposed to be studying for my Poli Sci midterm, which is tomorrow. I can’t seem to concentrate. I don’t know what I should do.
I don’t have class this Friday, and both Maryam and MB (my boss and editor) aren’t going to be in the office. Should I go home tomorrow? Argh. Difficult decisions.
Anyway!
Yesterday me and Neil had a fight. About the usual. I get a little ticked off by something small, which leads to more and more arguing about who does what, about who uses what words. It makes me really annoyed. I feel like arguing with him is futile. And of course, there is the inevitable. He has to go because: he’s reached home, he has to take a shower, his mom is giving him the evil eye. Always one of the three.
I try not to hold it against you, you mongrel. It’s just really hard when its every fucking DAY! And yes, I feel like I’m always the one getting the short end of the stick. Either you have to take a shower, you have to do your homework, you have to walk the dog, you have to have to have to do so many things.
You know I’m all for getting your shit taken care of. God knows I have a million things to do everyday. But… it’s just this feeling… like there is never any giving up on your end. And I know its something trivial… but if its everyday, its not.
It’s like the days when I hold my tongue don’t matter. But when I let you know I’m feeling annoyed, I become a griping baby. Well, boo to YOU.

AAAAAAAAAH. I feel like I can’t ever really get through to him. That we talk , but instead of him trying to make a concrete change, he just says, “Well, don’t you agree that you are being a little overly sensitive?” Or he tries to relate this to something else, some other time, some other mold that this fits, another generalization of the way I’m acting. And all I want to do is make him look at ME—NOW. I agree that I am overly sensitive, I agree that I expect a lot, I agree with all the things you’re saying, but lets go back to what I was saying. And now, its YOUR turn to answer MY questions.




But it just becomes one big diversion. Hello smoke in my face. Hello sidetrack. Hello erroneous comments, dictation. HELLO HELLO HELLO.

Free at last

I guess I've finally decided to create an online journal whose purpose is the same as a private journal-- to be a private collection of thoughts. Well, not to say that I don't have a lot of "secret" journals that I don't pass around... but I think those are more "venting" journals. Full of wordy descriptions and mean thoughts. I think this journal should be more positive; it should be more positive and plain.

Well, what's been going on in my life?

I have two midterms this week. For my two Poli Sci classes: data analysis and comparative politics. I think I should be okay, its just getting started that should be hard. Argh.

Lunar/Chinese New Year is on Wednesday, Feb 9. Hello, year of the Rooster. My family is doing the regular celebration. Food, praying, fun family times. I feel kind of bad, though. It seems like the older we get, the more these functions become mandatory and really bothersome. I mean, not for me; I really like these events, actually. But for my sister. I feel bad about it, not because she doesn't want to come. But because I feel it creates this sort of.. rift between us. Its like a difference that we have, that I feel, is pretty substantial. Something that gets in between us in a bad way... I don't know.

Another thing. My sebbhorea has really started to clear up. I hope it doesn't come back. It's weird though, because I've never had an outbreak around my mouth like I did this time. Sigh. I feel like a monster shedding its skin. :(

Anyway. For the most part, school and work are fine. The only things that I have as long term plans as of now are: finishing my FAFSA, finding an apartment, relearning how to drive, going to the gym more often (to lose about 15 lbs)... etc!